To Mrs Satan and her cult with love!

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Until 25 years of my life, I was unaware of Mrs Satan and her cult. Mrs Satan’s cult includes very peculiar kind of women. They are urban but not suave. They are well-dressed but uncouth. They might be occasionally seen in branded western wear and sunglasses, but they are the strongest believer of misogyny. They despise women who talk about equality and talk about being child-free all their life. If Mrs Satan’s cult ruled the world, they will announce capital punishment for all women who give more importance to their careers than worldly gossips that Mrs Satan’s cult thrives on.

On a regular day, you will see Mrs Satan talking about the importance of being a devoted and loving wife to her husband and a dedicated mother who sacrificed her (not so) thriving career for her children. But after she has consumed a few shots of vodka, she will tell you how much she has sacrificed for the main man in her life – who is not even thankful enough. You see Mrs Satan married Mr Satan in the hope of climbing up the social ladder, but Mr Satan was a simple man and didn’t rise much in-spite of Mrs Satan’s sacrifices, vices, and social plotting. Now, Mrs Satan, who is terribly upset at this unplanned full stop to her social rising, can’t even express disappointment because in her own words – “No one else could have dealt with her so patiently for so long”.

Now, Mrs Satan and most women in her cult come from remote countryside places and have always dreamed about their prince charming flying in economy-class flights to rescue them from the ‘small towns’ they detest. Despite being aware of their limitations, they are an extremely confident lot. While they can’t pronounce Krug Clos d’Ambonnay correctly, they will hold their champagne glasses in so much style that Audrey Hepburn might feel inferior.

If you have to see the real side of Mrs Satan’s personality, wait for her to talk to her house-help. Mrs Satan, who has strong opinions about house-keeping and child-rearing will abuse the domestic help in the choicest manner with colorful abuses in front of her kids. Right from the time her kids have started understanding words and surroundings in general – Mrs Satan has told them about their social status and privileged upbringing. So, obviously, her kids are not allowed to touch, play with, and be around people who are even one level beneath Mrs Satan’s ‘presumed’ high-class society.

If Mrs Satan ever created a Curriculum Vitae to apply for a job, her list of achievements would include: paintings that she bought but claimed to have painted, home decor items purchased from ‘Ravivari’ markets but presented with an expensive home decor label, and a big, big paragraph about how she has fulfilled her motherly duties much better than other women around her – who leave their kids ‘orphaned’ while they go for work.

Mrs Satan hates beautiful women. In a happening party, a ‘beautiful woman’ (by all conventional standards) happened to catch the fancy of all men. Mrs Satan who  felt extremely sidelined and insulted, then, spoke about how she will never dress in a revealing manner to get attention from the opposite sex. Mrs Satan hurled abuses at the beautiful lady because she happened to be smart as well. Mrs Satan gathered her cult around her and spoke about how this beautiful lady is not even concerned about her husband’s needs and is often travelling out for work.

Mrs Satan hates women like me as well. Partially because we don’t compete with her socially and partially because we are not enamored by her fake charm. Mrs Satan makes a point to talk about the importance of work-life balance whenever she is in my proximity despite not having worked a single day in her life, simply because she feels women like me waste their lives trying to achieve professional competence which our husbands are anyways bestowed with, simply by the virtue of their gender. Mrs Satan like a nosy neighborhood aunt also shows a lot of interest in my soon-to-expire reproductive system by simply reminding me that I will soon cross the most ‘fertile’ period of my life and miss the joys of motherhood if I delay pregnancy even by a day now. Alas! What a waste of life! She also tells me that the only way full-proof way to ensure that my man doesn’t stray is to serve him ‘ilish mach’ at least twice a week.

Mrs Satan, as I told you, is an interesting woman with a fan following of many women like her. Ah, I despise myself for not being included by her in her ‘young women grooming club’. But then, not everybody can be this lucky!

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Blame it on my personality type!

Someone asked me in the morning, “So, how are you today?” and I so desperately wanted to answer, “I am awkward, as usual”. No word in the dictionary other than ‘awkward’ can describe the emotion I have felt for most of the social situations in my life. Please, just because I am awkward, don’t assume, I am shy. Because, I am anything but shy. I am a personality full of contradictions — sometimes goofy, often very guarded, prone to deep emotions about a few, very specific things, and cold about most the people/situations in my life. I can’t help but resort to ghosting when stuck in a situation that needs too much of explanation or too many people.

But after glorious 28-years of pretending to be normal for the sake of being normal, hanging out with people for the sake of being social, someone introduced me to the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test and let me tell you this was a moment of self-discovery. According to the MBTI test, I happen to be the rarest personality type, INTJ that form just 2% of the population, and why am I not surprised to read that women of this personality type are especially rare, forming just 0.8% of the population. INTJs are the most misunderstood people because of their rare personality type. While the image below pretty much explains how, I know, most people perceive me, the correct full form of INTJ is Introversion, iNtuition, Thinking, Judgement.

So, a few of my patent statements, such as “I don’t feel like interacting with humans today” (Introversion), “I had told you so” (Intuition), “I need some time to myself” (Thinking), and “Half of the people I know are stupid” (Judgement) are not about I trying to be mean. It is, frankly, I trying to be myself. 🙂

  • So, now, for a matter of fact, I know that I don’t hate humans at all. It’s just that I am not too excited about the existence of most of them!
  • I don’t like discussion laced with drama. So, if you are planning a 4-hour coffee table discussion about curtains and flower decoration dressed in chiffon sarees, I am sorry, I am a li’l too busy – sleeping.
  • I tend to be data oriented. So, if I tell you  “You are wrong”, trust me, I would have done my research, beforehand and I would be ready for an expert analysis as soon as you challenge my statement.
  • I sniff  jealously, hatred, stupidity from miles away. And while your ‘trying to be nice’ drama entertains me for a while, I can tell you, you can’t take me for a ride even if you come riding on a golden chariot.
  • Authority doesn’t impress me. Because I strongly believe, you can be popular, you can be in a leadership position, but that doesn’t certainly mean you cannot a nincompoop. I and only I decide whether you are worthy of my respect & attention, Czar!
  • I am open to new ideas if they are supported by logic. No, please don’t just assume that all ideas are supported by logic. If you don’t trust me, just look at the images below.

 

 

  • Friendships and relationships with INTJs take time—a long time. Don’t be impatient. I might like you, but still not call you my friend. Falling in love is another ball game altogether. Let’s not even get there.
  • My innate response to any personal problem is to look for answers and solutions. I don’t  sympathize with myself even when I am in neck-deep shit. I am sorry, I can’t be your shoulder to cry on if all you want to do is to rant.
  • There’s always a ‘right way’ to do things for me. So, when I insist on a ‘print out’ for editing your document, I am not being ‘old school’, I just know what will help me deliver the best.

In short, most of the time, what I say is more about how I look at things than how I can flatter or offend you. Fortunately or unfortunately, I live in my own head. You matter, but most likely a little less than you expect.

Story Of Amdavadi Freagles: From Numbers To Names, From Labs To Laps

When 21 beagles were recently released from a laboratory-run kennel in the country, they had already spent more than 6 years of their life in a dark cage. They had never seen sunshine, never ate home-cooked meal, never sniffed flowers, and never chased squirrels. 5-days into a free world and some of them still don’t know how wonderfully they can utilize this freedom. The smarter ones of the batch are busy exploring mud and the adventurous ones have taken to swimming like they are amphibians, but a few shy ones still run away when they see a human. They are currently living in a dog boarding center in Ahmedabad, their temporary home, till all of them find good homes. They still don’t have names – as for the laboratories, they were only numbers such as 8654378.

Freagles – the free beagles – as they lovingly called, are special dogs. Special because they don’t have the inherent characteristics that you might expect from a dog. They are afraid of noise, don’t know what to do with toys, and don’t know how to express love. As 6-years of their lives have passed into enclosed cages, freedom to them almost means re-birth. So, basically, they are 6-year old puppies who need to be toilet-trained and leash-trained. They need to be showered with love and allowed to be feasted on the tastiest home-cooked meal. They need to be given time and space to understand that they will eventually get a chance to choose their favorite human in the world.

When Richa Singh Choudhuri, an ex-corporate girl and, now, the owner of Bowsome Retreat, the boarding center hosting these 21 freagles, adopted Dexter, a 2016 batch freagle, she didn’t know this boy will change her life forever. Dex, as he is lovingly called, is now a 12-year-old bully in the pack of 9 dogs and 2 humans. He came as quiet dog and within 1.5 years of his adoption has become the most demanding, opiniated, and intelligent dog in the pack. He rules the pack of 9 dogs with an iron paw. Dex follows his mom, Richa, like a shadow everywhere. Richa proudly says, “No one on this planet can love me more than Dex”. Dex and his pack member, Duster, another freagle, taught Richa the compassion towards freagles. She says that “Freagles, once they taste love, reciprocate love in a manner that a human has never experienced”. Richa says that each freagle parent has a unique story to tell, but all of them would voice the same opinion “A freagle teaches you the meaning of love and freedom all over again”.

The 21 freagles, currently at the boarding, have slowly started coming out of their shells. They are currently being given the requisite medical attention and the time to grow into the real character that they are. Once they start showing their real nature, they will be given new names and then, they will leave past the identification number that once defined their existence. Once the medical check-ups and basic behavioral observation of the freagles are complete, they will be put for adoption to suitable families. For this batch of freagles, adoption is open for three states: Gujarat, Maharashtra, and Delhi. Freagles of India (FoI), a registered trust, with the objective to rehabilitate and re-home animals released from testing laboratories in India along with Bowsome team is involved in facilitating the adoption of these freagles through social media outreach.

If you are considering adopting a dog and can spare few hours for few consecutive months to train them, you must consider these freagles once. You never know you might meet your soulmate in this freagle batch and a freagle might find his/her forever human in you. As a pet parent, I can tell you, these matches are made in heaven and cherished in heart forever, you just need to start your search from the right place.

To apply for adoption of these freagles, please fill the form here.

Adult-ing!

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When I was 10-years old, I didn’t think of how my life should be/could be after I am 25-years old. My 10-year old self concluded the planning of my life as a happily ever after at 25 with an assumption that at 25, I am financially independent and can shop for all candies, books, clothes I like. Fortunately or unfortunately, I was financially independent at a tender age of 21. So, with 4-bonus years at my hands, I explored life to the craziest extent possible (oh my crazy is far more subtle than your crazy). So, yes, I shopped – Shopped for things I needed, things I wanted, things I thought I wanted, and things I thought I might need in future. I was a 21-year old who had no financial responsibilities back home but, as the much-awaited first child of two working Indian parents, certainly had the luxury of receiving pocket money from home even at the age of 21.

My bonus years 

So, yes, from the age of 21-25, all I was doing was working during weekdays, roaming around with friends over the weekend, and again, going out to the random-est places to wine and dine with friends and friends of friends. My job involved travelling all over the country to coordinate for press conferences and corporate events – so work took me almost everywhere from tier-2 towns like Benaras and Bhopal to tier-1 cities such as Hyderabad and Kolkata. For places such as Kasauni, Mussorie, Jammu, and Goa that work didn’t cover – I had the craziest bunch of friends who made plans to travel whenever work permitted. Friends who came from far more liberal families than mine also told me alcohol was not a bad thing if taken occasionally, exposure to people of different sexual orientation made me feel passionately for LGBT rights, and the proximity with the JNU campus made me ‘tolerant’ to conflicting opinions and political views. I learned to read, to listen, to debate. I learned that as long as someone had an opinion, which was based on not hearsay, it was worth being heard once.

Discovering myself 

These were the years that shaped my personality. These were the years that brought me closer to my own views about my life. By 24, when I decided to leave Delhi and move to Bangalore for a job that involved almost no travel, I was sure of what I wanted in my life. I had taken to writing seriously (the glitz and glam of PR, I had realized was not my thing). I was a hard worker – not necessarily a smart worker, always. Most people were not my cup of tea. Though I learned the art of being indifferent to people who didn’t matter much later! I loved my own space. Home, for me, was a sacred place. I preferred fine dining over discotheques for a date. I learned, I being nice to someone will not necessarily result in a fair reciprocation. I learned that I, even after acting as the flag bearer of morality, will act selfish when it came to love. In short, the bonus years of my life, 21-25, taught me a lot about myself.

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30 and stubborn 

Now, inching closer to 30, I have become a little rigid about how I look at my life. So, if I don’t like you I am not going to hangout with you whether you express disappointment, anger, or hatred. My mobile phone is not my best friend, neither are random calls. So, if there is no business talking to you over phone, most likely I am not calling you or taking your calls. WhatsApp/SMSes give me the time to react to ‘how are you?’ messages so I prefer these over over-enthusiastic, random greetings on calls. If you have added me on a WhatsApp group without my approval, be rest assured that the group is on mute for the longest possible duration. Flattery is not my best trait. In fact, I really lack this skill. My praises would either be genuine or there would be no praises from me. I am not complimenting you on your attire so that you compliment me back. Sorry, my grey t-shirt and black track pants are more about my comfort that your approval. Husband-talk is not my thing. Bitching, unless you are my soul sister, is not my thing. Shop-talk is reserved for my mom. Career-talk, family-talk is reserved for my brother. For everything else, I have a husband, a best friend, and my two, awesome dogs. I nurture a few handful relationships because I genuinely believe in quality over quantity.

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Being socially nice 

Now, adult-ing taught me one more good thing – to camouflage the fact that I judge you top to bottom the moment you utter an ultra-sexist comment. The fact that being socially nice comes to me with great difficulty makes it far more easier for me to drop my hesitance, the moment you hint inching towards meanness from sarcasm. Confrontation is not my favorite pass time, but if you really want a showdown, come loaded with logic. Unless you infringe in my personal space or try to disturb my sanity, I genuinely try hard to be socially nice irrespective of the opinion I have of you.

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Why care? 

I genuinely don’t understand why people care so much about fair-weather friendships? For me, reciprocation of socially accepted behavior is just about existing in harmony. At 30, I am not self-sustained, but of course, I refrain from relationships that serve no other purpose that ganging up against a common enemy or forming a mutual admiration club. May be because my necessity for external approval is less, I am more at peace with adult-ing than many others.

At 40, I will revisit this blog to see whether I am successfully on my way to become a khadoos middle aged woman or not. Like I said, I am living my life after 25 without a plan and it has been pretty gratifying so far.

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How to Deal with Nonsense for Dummies

Before you begin, let me tell you: The word ‘non-sense’ in the article may have been used to refer a person, place, situation or thing. Use your intelligence to decode the underlying meaning.


I am not exactly a people-friendly person. If I can, I avoid any formal/informal setting that involves more than 3 people at a time. I hate being in the spotlight as well. For example, ask me to hold a microphone and talk to twenty people and you will clearly see me losing my wits. I have to do a mini pranayama to activate my brain cells before I engage myself in a useless small talk laced with non-sense. But, over a period of time, out of my own experience, I have come up with four tips that help me deal with non-sense. They might help you too!

Tip 1: To avoid a boring kind of non-sense, find a funny kind of nonsense. For lesser mortals like us, completely avoiding non-sense is not possible.

Yes, non-sense is omnipresent. It may change shapes and forms, but it is not going to go. So, learn to counter boring non-sense with entertaining non-sense.

I will give you an example.  My husband often teases me for looking like a lost puppy in gatherings that I am forced to attend.  Sometimes, the texts that he sends me during these gatherings from the other side of the room are hilarious enough for me to mentally roll on the floor laughing (ROFL, I said guys, ROFL!) and tolerate the gibberish that, otherwise, is intolerable.

  • Husband: Are you socializing with your wine glass?
  • I: You bet! I can explain 20 hues of red to you. Blood and wine mixing.
  • Husband: Sing a song!
  • I: Get me a gun.
  • Husband: Murder?
  • I: Suicide is for brave-hearts! I am trivial.
  • Husband: Mass Murder?
  • I: Are you plotting that idea in mind head! Pig!
  • Husband: Use your heels and dig a tunnel. Escape!

Tip 2: Ignore or kill. Turn completely indifferent or respond back with a similar level of intimidation or insult. Don’t you EVER brood over non-sense!

Now, MY problem goes beyond simply getting bored. Non-sense takes a toll on me. When stuck in a non-sense that prolongs, I go through varying degree of emotions.  I start from getting bored and reach a degree of indifference before I go completely berserk and turn violent. This generally happens when someone who I classify as ‘non-sense’  intimidates me, belittles me or tries to act over-smart with me, underestimating my anger due to my ‘lost puppy looks’.

So that non-sense doesn’t repeat itself (himself or herself), I use two tricks: I either turn completely indifferent or I respond back with a similar level of intimidation or insult. My husband is a constant level of support if I decide to take route 2.

  • I: I think I am going to pick up a fight now!
  • Husband: Jo bhi karna, sun ke mat aana! (Do whatever, but don’t take bullshit!)
  • I: Lash uthane aajana! (Come to pick up the mortal remains!)

Tip 3: Find a support system. Channelize anger when you can’t handle all on your own.

Support systems are people who don’t judge you for what you do and say. They also help you draw a line when your emotions overpower your sense of judgment.  In my case, I am lucky to have two support systems. I turn to my best friend for expert advice when my husband fails to give me a satisfactory solution to avoid the non-sense I am battling.

  • I: Isn’t that nonsense?
  • My best friend: Yes, it is!
  • I: Isn’t she an idiot?
  • My best friend: Yes, she is!
  • I: I wish I can kill them all.
  • My best friend: Oye! Tu pehle shaant ho oye! (Calm down you idiot!)

Tip 4: Confide in your dog.

If all the above tips fail, just sit with a bucket of ice-cream and speak your heart out to your dog. I do that more often that I should.

  • I: Isn’t that nonsense?
  • Pluto: Ice-cream, please!
  • I: Isn’t she an idiot?
  • Pluto: Ice-cream, please!
  • I: I wish I can kill them all.
  • Pluto: Will you give them ice-cream before you kill them?
  • I: You dog!
  • Pluto: As if you humans are better! Ice-cream, please!
  • I: :O
  • Pluto: Ice-cream, please!
  • I: Profound!

The ‘phone’ of contention

I feel pretty old writing this article because this makes me realize that I was born in a generation where landline phones were fashionable. I remember my boyfriend, now my husband, chasing me for 2 days after school hours to get my ‘phone number’ so that he can discuss the ‘seating arrangements’ for the exams with me (and we discussed everything else instead!). Anyways! I am that old! I belong to a generation that lived without SMSes and WhatsApp messages and still managed to make friends in school.  And, yes, before I hit 30, I can happily claim to have lived more than half of my life without a mobile phone.

Going by the standards of my generation, I was privileged to get an old and discarded Motorola mobile phone of my dad very early in life. But mind you, I was given a mobile phone with a strict warning that it has to be used only in the case of emergency. All that mobile phone allowed me to do was make calls & send, if I remember correctly, 142 characters messages. Sending multi-media messages were unaffordable for a kid like me whose monthly allowances were less than the cost of popcorn in PVRs today.

Anyways, coming back to the point, yes, a mobile phone, about a decade back, was a commodity all of us could live without.  But today, mobile phones are more than mobiles phones and that confuses an old-school-er like me. The society has defined a whole new way of measuring people’s amicability quotient by simply calculating the number of calls a person makes to his/her friends, family and acquaintances in a stipulated time frame.

Here is how the new social charter works:

  • You don’t pick up someone’s call once, you are deliberately ignoring the person.
  • You don’t pick up the call more than twice, you are annoyed with the person.
  • You pick up the call and tell you are busy, you are acting pricey.
  • You forget to charge your mobile’s battery, you are careless.
  • You don’t call someone often, you don’t like the person.
  • You don’t do useless, small talks on festivals, anniversaries and birthdays, you are defying family values and bringing bad name to the family.
  • You don’t talk to far, unknown relatives (mind you who you might have as met a toddler or never met at all), you are not interested in carrying forward the relationships your family nurtured over decades.
  • You don’t contact a person who you met socially on WhatsApp or over a call after the meeting, you are rude.   

In short, mobile phones have become the yardsticks of how much you value your relationships! Whoa! We have reached another level of social evolution with the invention of mobile technology.

For someone like me who has to be online on Instant Messengers for business day in and day out, putting away my mobile phone is a luxury. It’s actually relaxing to be not talking to people who can’t understand your pauses and tiredness (and I say that in the personal as well as professional context). And, oh yes! This reminds me of another point that should go up the list:

  • You don’t sound enthusiastic over the phone, you were not happy talking to the person on the line!

The relationships, the camaraderie, the love – everything now is simply calculated by the talk time spent your mobile phone or the success with which you emote (or pretend) over this virtual medium of communication.

I, sometimes, wonder if there is a quantifiable metric to categorize people based on their monthly mobile expenses or availability to attend mobile calls. For example, someone who spends Rs.2500 and/or 1000 minutes talking over the mobile phone in 30 days is an Amicable Person (Level 2)!

I won’t be surprised if you tell me a metric like this is already in place!  I am ‘socially’ less connected, you see!

Life, my friends, is difficult!

 

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There are people who are epitome of elegance & there are people who are epitome of chaos. I belong to the latter category. People who know me don’t get surprised when I trip from the staircase &  spill tea all over myself even when I am not in a hurry. But that’s me – and I am unapologetic about it. Now, this sentence about being unapologetic has been deliberately added here to subtly put across the point that chaos in my life doesn’t end even when I try. But then you, my dear readers, must know what happens when someone like me, a Ms. Chaos, pretends to be Mrs. Elegance. Swirls of emotions attack me every now & then, and here is a glimpse of those emotions:

  1. Nostalgia: But, you know, I attended 6:30 a.m. lectures in college in shorts & slippers and it was so bloody me! Who is the person I see in the mirror?
  2. Discipline, say what?: Not that I have ever been in a rebel, I definitely plugged in headphones when I was lectured about poor attendance. I have sneaked out of lectures and arranged for proxy attendance. So, arrive-before-time is a concept I am still getting acquainted with.
  3. What’s cooking, PASTA?: I am extremely ‘jugadoo’ (there is no better English word for it; ‘resourceful’ just tones down the impact) when you need something edible to be fixed in 2 minutes. I can make tea by using an immersion rod, boil Maggi over the iron box, roast papad by using the iron box but, dude, don’t ask me what goes in my favorite Arrabiata Pasta. That’s too much for my gentle soul to handle!
  4. Wish I could do this as easily as others:( : Take for example, draping a saree – I take 3 hours to get it in place. Then I take another 3 hours to feel comfortable in it. Then I take another 3 hours to take out the safety pins that I almost put through my skin. Saree is a 9-hours affair for me. And I really respect people who take 10 mins to drape it and can run for a marathon with their saree perfectly in place. I take a bow!
  5. Husband, who? Oh husband! My husband!: Now, my husband has been a friend much longer than he has been my husband. So, while his name rings a bell – I am still getting used to the word ‘husband’ and his husband-like tantrums!
  6. I-know-I-am-sounding-stupid: “Well, sorry but I have not seen anything in Fuchsia in my life so far. Color codes in RGB, please? Ah! Does it help to tell you that I design websites – but I need color codes for that.  May be, I feel less stupid now! Sigh! I know I am sounding crazy!!!
  7. Help me, Dear Lord: Help me Dear Lord, as I have to address a crowd of 100 facing towards me and not just make sense but sound inspirational. Did I excuse myself from morning prayers because of crowd phobia back in school? Never thought of Karma biting my back then!

Life, my friends, is difficult!

10 Simple Ways to Live Peacefully!

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  1. Sleep till 9 a.m.
  2. Snore. Snore. Snore.
  3. Shout for a cup of tea right from your bed- Maid. Husband. Husband. Maid – Race who gets it first.
  4. Sit at the portico with your third cup of tea and a street dog for company because solid food & human interaction might interrupt with your inner harmony early in the morning.
  5. By 10:30 a.m, switch on the laptop and pretend to work for the next 10 hours because you get paid for pretending to work.
  6. Ignore all phone calls, because mobile radiations cause cancer. (For those who think I am joking  – click to read the article from National Cancer Institute).
  7. Talk to your pet fish during lunch because discussing ‘Sasural Simar Ka’ is way too advanced a topic for your level of mental evolution.
  8. Read 100-rupee literature such as ‘My 95th Love Story at IIT’ to get over crap that you can’t filter out of your system through your sad face & mad face.
  9. After you are done with your day’s work, switch on the TV, tune in Times now and watch ‘The News Hour’ on mute.
  10. Sleep at 11 p.m. Wake up at 1 a.m, switch on the lights and play Frank Sinatra on full volume. Let people who play Anuradha Paudwal, on full volume,  at 5 a.m. have logical reasons to complain.

PS: Please feel free to feel offended.

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Shit load of true love!

I remember when I was in college, a classmate explained to me the meaning of ‘true love’. True love according to this person was the insatiable desire to look at one’s lover’s face forever and ever and ever. In the next breath, he asked me if I loved someone. Stupid as I was, I thought about the idea of looking at my boyfriend’s face forever and ever and ever, and I was not amused by the idea. So, I said, “I think I am not in true love”. This was in 2006. I was not eligible to vote so I was allowed to indulge in such stupid conversations.

I am soon going to celebrate a decade of saying tata-bye-bye to teenage and  I thought absurd conversations like these are finally a thing of past! But la la!!! I stumbled upon the Message Requests folder in Facebook Messenger and I came across a shit load of true-love-absurdity all over again. The new definition of true love in 2016 seems to be sending absurd ‘frandship and lurrve’ messages to unknown girls. 

So, the point I am trying to make is that the concept of true love and stupidity seem to exist in parallel dimension. I will come back to this folder in 2026 to see if true love evolves with time. Till then, leaving you with these messages. Keep spreading love!

And yes, my lord, before you object, I am not hiding the names of these true lovers because: a) It’s shit load of Photoshop to do at 11 p.m. b) Please let them enjoy their moment of fame with their ‘fake’ names!

  1. The true love based on “Adjectives”!

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2. The ‘my’ who I don’t know!

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3. The self-proclaimed weirdo!

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4.  This pick-up line is a killer, literally! (Thank God, someone reported him!)

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5. The typical good boy with a ‘frandship’ request! Phtttt! I need a heart transplant, dude! Will you donate yours?! 😛

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6.  And this, I tell you, killed me with the confidence. Cut the crap and keep the love! Woaaah!!!

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PS: Now, with no offense to people who met on Facebook and later got hitched, please never tell me that your love story started from the Facebook Messengers’ Message Requests folder. I will get judgmental. Okay?!

 

 

Finally, I spoke my mind in a job interview! #FakePost #ParallelWorld

For someone like me who hates meeting new people and making new friends, networking for a job is not an easy thing. So, all the new (read few) job opportunities that come to me are either purely based on my talent (I heard your ouch!) or impressive profile (I spent an entire weekend working on it!) posted on various employment websites. Also, the fact that I am sitting here in the Himalayan foothills gives me the much needed motivation to let go of the new job opportunities for which I am asked to take an assignment, do a sample write-up or talk to more than 3 people in a week before being offered the job. After all this drama, if I am able to get a few interesting  (few!) opportunities, I prefer not taking the interviews on Tuesdays,  Thursdays and Saturdays (The Delhi in me believes in Odd-Even strongly!).

But recently, a prospective employer suggested that there was no hurry at their end and I can speak to them whenever I was ready. I liked the ‘no hurry’ attitude and made a mental note to wait for a couple of weeks before I called them back. Three days later, someone from the prospective employer’s team called me again and asked me if I can be ready for a Skype interview in the next 30 minutes (I wish I knew the new ‘corporate forever’ promise came with a 3-days expiry period!). Reluctantly, I agreed to wash my face, change into a formal shirt and sit in front of my laptop to talk to someone whose name sounded strangely unfamiliar. But this time, I had made up my mind to put no facade and just speak my mind irrespective of whether or not I get the job (By the way, results still awaited.).

Given below is the transcript of the interview:

Interviewer: Hello! Good evening!

Me (Frantically looking for a wall clock around!): Oh evening! (I had left the bed only after the lady on the phone said ’30-minutes to catch the train’.)

Interviewer: How are you today?

Me (Trying to control the ADD problem): Usual! Like everyday! Did not realize what time it was when I got up. Still a little confused about the time zone you are calling from, but I guess I am supposed to say I am fine. Thank you!

Interviewer: So, you are in Sikkim?

Me (Looking for my glasses now, bloody, which Firang  knows about Sikkim!): Uh huh! How do you know? (Bloody myopia!)

Interviewer: Your resume says Ravangla, Sikkim.

Me: Oh! Yes! I am there. Do you know where in India is Sikkim?

Interviewer: I googled it just before the interview.

Me: Well! I am not in Gangtok.

Interviewer: Did you say you can’t talk?

Me: No! I guess it’s the internet connection! I am in Ravangla, Sikkim and you have googled the place already! Nice! Wish I googled the company before I got on the call as well.

Interviewer: So, Richa, tell me something about yourself.

Me: No! Please! Don’t do this. Spare me this part of the interview. Everything that you need to know is on the CV that you already have and you have googled the city where I live. I don’t know what to talk about myself. An interesting piece of trivia that not many know is that I was born before the due time (profusely sweating by now!) Can we now move on to the next question, please ?

Interviewer: So, you are a medical student who chose to pursue Mass Communications later…

Me: You know what I had enough of this convincing shit with my parents for switching streams. If you are waiting for me to justify what I did – well! we are done then! No, wait, you are the kind of people who stop people from pursuing their dreams. You – the Engineer maker type – I hate you already!

Interviewer: Okay, then, tell me about your job experience.

Me: Dude, I spent an entire weekend trying to document the 6-odd years of work experience. Can you stop behaving like me and read what you are supposed to read before coming for the interview instead of wasting your time looking for exotic locations on Google!

Interviewer: Okay, I see you got some wonderful reference notes from your colleagues!

Me: What do you mean? Just because you can see a gun on the table doesn’t mean I force people to recommend me! That’s my husband’s! Licensed. Okay.

Interviewer: Tell me something about your family.

Me: I have two dogs. They are lovely. They love me unconditionally. I read this website called DogSpots everyday so that I can make life better for my dogs. The black one is naughty; the brown one is obedient. Do you like watching funny dog videos? I have quite a nice collection, you know!

Interviewer: So, you are a dog person.

Me: Here you go judgmental! See – I don’t hate cats. I don’t hate horses either. I just don’t like rats and ants. But I guess no one likes rats!

Interviewer: So, let me tell you about the role we are hiring for. It basically involves blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and communicating with people.

Me: First 5 points are okay. Communicating with people – how many times in a day? You mean meaningful, business-like conversations?

Interviewer: I guess!

Me: Uh, huh! Can I get back to you on this? (Unplug the LAN cable – my brain is whispering now!)

Interviewer: What’s your salary expectation?

Me: You know what – I am not good at this. My best friend does it for me even in the flea markets. As I am incapable of the negotiation bit, you know, just tell me how much salary you are planning to offer me without making me feel sorry about spending the whole weekend writing that CV on blah.com.

Interviewer: Great! My HR team will schedule the technical round of interview for tomorrow.

Me:  Excuse me! I have to talk to a new person and beg for this job again!

Interviewer: Bye! See you!

Me: Did you not say “Good evening Mrs. Bhaskar”! How disrespectful! Anyways, Good evening, gentleman!