Kaho na Pyar “nahi” hai – The stupid teenage celebrity love!

As a teenager, I adored Hrithik Roshan and the world knew about it! On my 14th birthday – all the 5-10 odd gifts that I received had something to do with Mr.Roshan. I got his autographed posters, cassettes (Ouch! This made me feel so old) of his movies,  a Close-up contest form (I can never forget this one!) which offered a 20 minutes journey with Mr.Roshan up in the air and last but not the least an autographed photo and a letter (not an email, mind you!) from the man himself (which I regret misplacing during shifting my houses).

Now that I look back and think of the stupid things that I have done as a fan, I smile in embarrassment. At 28, I am writing this confessional post to officially announce that I am distancing myself from the  “Roshan fanaticism”. If by any chance, you happen to a teenager who is reading my post and claim to be “inspired” (because I feel “love” is way too cheesy at 14) by Varuns, Siddharths, Shahids and the like, please feel free to add my list of stupidities to your own respective task lists. 14 years later, you can anyways officially ditch your celebrity love to announce to the world that “la! la! you finally grew up to be a sensible adult”.

Here is the list of the stupidities (I am sure I have forgotten many!) that I am most embarrassed about. Some of them are outright stupid, so even if I tell you to not be judgmental after reading the post, I know you will not be able to help yourself, so go ahead, judge, smile and get done with it.

  1. In my short 20-something life, I have watched “Kaho Na Pyar Hai” some 25-odd times. When there was a power outage at my home and the good-old Cable Service Provider was telecasting this movie on the local channel, I shifted my base to my neighbors house for the next 3 hours with my holiday homework. This was the 19th time I was watching a movie that did not even get nominated for the Oscars!
  2. I have watched the episode of Rendezvous with Simi Garewal that featured Hrithik and Sussanne may be 50-odd times. At one point in time, I remembered the questions and answers by heart. I can’t even tell you how much it inspired my own love life. My husband might cry at the very mention of this show.
  3. I watched “Aap mujhe acche lagne lage” and “Mission Kashmir” in theater much against my mother’s will.
  4. I skipped a family picnic because the telecast hours for the “Making of Fiza” clashed with the family picnic plans.
  5. I have spent all my pocket money during the early 2000s buying Hrithik’s posters. I even bought a Diwali cards for him and wrote to him on my birthday asking him for an autographed photo to make my birthday “special”. Phhhttt!!!
  6. At one point in time, I stripped all photos off an old family album to use it for my collection of Hrithik’s photos. Mom, this is a confession! 😀
  7. I had 6 posters of Hrithik adorning the walls in my room until one fine day my dad announced that he won’t enter my room unless I get rid of the “Pan-Dukaan-Ka-Posters” from all the walls.
  8. I once had a heated argument with one of my classmates about “Why Hrithik Roshan has a brighter future in Bollywood as compared to one his contemporaries, Mr.Well-Known-Surname?” While I won the debate (Ah! I had seen the future.), I was reprimanded by my class teacher for creating nuisance and using the “f” word in the class.
  9. I bought every magazine in sight which had Hrithik’s photo on the cover. Even the ones with “Finished” written in capital and bold case right over his face.
  10. I used all my jugaads as a teenager to procure Hrithik’s mobile number from all the acquaintances in Bombay to pass on my good wishes to him on his birthday – 10th January, in case you are wondering if I still remember the date. I was successful in getting his number much later when I joined the PR business. I never dared to call him though!

Well, while I am writing this article, someone pings me to ask Mohenjo Daro’s release date. Ufff!!! Dude, I am over him now. Ab kya sar pe likhoon!

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About the image: I don’t own the copyright of this image. If you have an objection, please write to me.

Oh Shit! I am the Bride!

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Ever since I remember, makeup kit was not my thing. My most prized possession in my teenage was a badminton racket that my dad bought for me on my 10th birthday. The highlights of my summer vacations used to be gully cricket and fist fights. The summer of 2006 is etched in my memory because I learnt to ride a motorbike that year. I was not the quintessential girl ever; however, I did not know I will make such a crackpot bride.

It all started with the idea of getting married. Well! It might sound strange but the idea of marriage came to us (me and my boyfriend) as a remedy for the intermittent bouts of hatred that we used to feel for each other. We were friends. We fell in love. We were friends again. We fell in love again. It was a weird relationship. So, to put our relationship drama to an end for once and for all – we decided to get hitched.

The real drama started when my mom asked me about my choice of the wedding attire. Guess! Guess! I had no idea. So, I decided to do some online research before I made up my mind. Everyday after office, for around 20 days, I followed this routine – start my search from Indian Ethnic Section on some nice shopping portal and by the end of 30 minutes of looking into lehengas and churidars of various kinds, navigate to the Domino’s portal, order Pizza, watch Suits (a Television series), curse God for making Mike (a character in Suits) so hot and sleep talking about Harvey’s and Mike’s next move with my then fiancee (now husband) over phone. 20 days into this routine, my mom intervened. Guess! Guess! I still had no idea, so I suggested buying something in yellow (I love yellow). My mom almost yelled at me for wasting her time with this stupid idea and did not consult me again on what had to be to bought for my trousseau.

The problems, however, did not seem to end. 25 days before my wedding, I reached home with a face full of acne. My mom almost fainted at the airport after looking at me. The weird acne treatment from there on was the most torturous experience of my life so far. But guess that was not the end! My mom made it very clear that with people coming to visit me everyday, my hippy look with shorts and shabby hair was out of question now! I had to be dressed decently. I guess she was just preparing me to survive beyond my comfort zone. The only moments of relief in these 25 days were the moments I spent working on the vendor management spreadsheets  (related to my wedding) with my dad. Number crunching is certainly easier than undergoing acne treatment. I speak from experience here!

However, nothing beats the stupid incidences that happened on the day of my wedding:

  • 2 hours into that makeup room and I was so exhausted that I almost felt like postponing the wedding date (only if I could!).
  • A bride, who was getting ready with me in the same room, asked me I wanted to share a smoke ( I don’t smoke!).
  • The makeup artists applied some light makeup (light, my foot!) on my face and made me look a Voodoo doll – barely recognizable to my own eyes.

The biggest sigh of relief for me was the sight of my fiancee (soon to be husband) on the stage. He looked equally funny (may be funnier!) in a shimmering sherwani. Guess what! I was not the only joker in my wedding! Aha!

The biggest blooper of the day was still to happen.

I heard someone from the photography crew asking the bride to look in to the camera. Nervous as I was on the stage, I looked around to see where the bride was! My husband, the gentleman that he is, elbowed me thrice and then almost yelled at me – “you, idiot, you, look in to the camera”. 

Good and Morning is a contradiction in terms!

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I hate mornings. It is the time when there is no harmony in the universe.  It’s suddenly so bright. It’s suddenly so noisy. All of a sudden everyone is hyperactive. For a gentle soul like me who loves tranquility, mornings are worse than earthquakes. It is the time when fellow mortals on Planet Earth are at their creepiest best. Why would they otherwise greet you with a flashy smile when you are just out of bed and barely in your senses?

The worst morning hour is 8 a.m. I call it the hour of “mystery”. Things start mysteriously disappearing at this hour. Has anybody ever taken out time out of their busy schedules to think – why ID cards, car keys, watches, safety pins, etc. suddenly disappear at this hour and especially when you are running late for work? In a mild hypnotic state, I have seen people creating world records in the lost and found game at this hour every damn morning.

Managing a decent breakfast is as good as hunting. Someone like me, who arrives for breakfast when people are planning for lunch gets leftover crumbles of burnt bread on a lucky day. Most of the days, I am greeted by a clean table without any food. “Good Morning – no food for you today!”, says the table and gives me a creepy smile. I then kick the table and settle down with the “morning newspaper” and three cups of tea in a corner of my house. I, then, read news about political scams, murders, protests, violence, celebrity breakups and so on. Every inch of the newspaper has a shot of caffeine to wake me up to reality. “This is not a good world” is my first thought after partially coming back to senses. “A bright, noisy, polluted, mean, selfish world it is!” my heart echoes the thought.  This is the start of a typical day for me.

Ah! And on those very rare days when I wake up by 7 a.m, my family looks at me with suspicion. The amount of attention I receive by just leaving the bed early can put lesser known celebrities to shame.  I despise this kind of attention.

Well, I anyways have to carry on because:

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5 things that make me woof woof (uff, uff!)

I love my dogs. Trust me, I do. Nobody appreciates my cooking the way they do. I have never seen a human (read my husband) respond to a humble breakfast of two boiled eggs with so much of enthusiasm and love. When I serve them boiled beans, carrots and chicken for lunch, they wag their tail, do this little gig and look at me with so much of appreciation. They ensure that every single day of my life, they appreciate me for my exceptional culinary skills. They tell me, through all possible gestures, that I boil eggs, beans and carrots tastier than anyone else in the world. Dog swear.

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So, you must be wondering with so much of love and appreciation, what are the 5 things that make me woof woof (with red eyes) at them in return.

#1 Morning Love

Every single day when the clock strikes 6 A.M., they fall head-over-heels in the love with me.They lick my face. They lick my head. Get inside my blanket. 10 minutes of all this and they are hungry and then, they pull my hair, jump on me and bite each other. There is no way I can ignore them beyond 6:20 A.M.  This happens even on Saturdays and Sundays.

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#2 After-play hours 

The play time never ends. I take out time to play fetch with them every day for one hour. But after the play hour ends, the after-play hours begin. And the after-play hours include games such as bite-bite, I-cut-your-mobile-charger, I-chew-your-chappal, I-tear-your-pillow and I-pee-on-the-door. I stare at them. They stare at me. Love.

#3 No home-alone 

I can’t leave them alone for even 15 minutes. I have done that twice and the results have not been very pleasant. Both the times, I went down to get groceries and when I returned, I saw my neighbors standing at my door, trying to frantically call me because my dogs were howling and knocking the door making them worried about my safety. Well, I have guaranteed, there are no home-alones after these incidents.

#4 Hygiene 

Pluto, my indie, is in love with the bathroom mug. He adores it. He carries that mug with him almost everywhere in the house – sometimes even on my bed!!! I ask Pluto to get down from the bed, he follows the command like a gentleman, but I throw the mug down from the bed, he barks like a mad man. I got him a new mug – same color, same size. It’s still the bathroom mug he loves. Did you say “hygiene”? I choose to ignore the “h” word now.

#5 Poop means protest

It’s all good till we three, Mars, Pluto and I, are cordial in the house. But dare I get annoyed and raise my voice. My stern voice is reciprocated with poop in all corners of the house. You should look at their happy faces when I am wiping off their shit. They almost say: “You can shout, we can poop, woof, woof.”

 

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10 English Phrases and their ‘Real’ Meanings!

“We don’t always say what we “mean” to say and we don’t always “mean” what we say.”

To prove my point, here is a collection of 10 English Phrases we often use to politely convey feelings which would otherwise sound downright rude:

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Phrase 1: That must be interesting! 

Real meaning: SHUT UP. You have bored me enough with your bullshit. It’s high time you stop. And now that exhibit no signs to stop, I must interfere – just so that you SHUT UP!

Phrase 2: I will look into it.

Real meaning: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn! I have already forgotten what we are talking about and I am secretly praying that you never follow up with me about this task!

Phrase 3: I have no idea!

Real meaning: I am an expert in the shit that you are still trying to figure out. However, you know, there are days when I don’t believe in social niceties. Please solve your issues on your own, nincompoop!

Phrase 4: Good for you.

Real meaning: What you are doing is downright dumb. However, I am too busy to lecture you right now.

Phrase 5: Such a cute baby!

Real meaning: Oh holy! It moves. It pisses. It poops. I CAN handle it! I can! I can!

Phrase 6: I was trying to be nice to him/her.

Real meaning: I have made all efforts from my end to be extremely mean. If this doesn’t spoil the relationship, I will have to resort to criminal tactics. You see.

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Phase 7: You guys make a very cute couple. 

Real meaning: 7.125 billion people in the world and this is who you got for your wedding portrait!

Phase 8: You know what, “Relax”!

Real meaning: You are doomed and I can’t do much! Now for God’s sake, please stop hyperventilating; you are consuming my share of oxygen as well!

Phase 9: I am almost done. 

Real meaning: Thank you for reminding me. I’ll get started immediately!

Phase 10: I understand!

Real meaning: Excuse moi! I have no idea what you are talking about!

P.S. I am a nice person!
 

11 Times I Wish I Had Snubbed People Instead Being Polite And Holding Back

Sometimes you feel like saying something disdainful when someone annoys you, but you don’t, because it would not be the polite thing to say. Right? Right!

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I believe a diplomatic smile is an appropriate answer to a lot of stupidity around. However, sometimes people manage to successfully step on my cool nerves by their ludicrous actions. I smile, say these little what-you-deserve-to-hear statements in my head and walk away! But sometimes I regret not saying them loud and clear.

Here is my choicest collection of recurring instances when I almost feel like speaking my mind:

When two people about to get married soon start posting a “Love you forever” status on social networking sites every two seconds. I wish to say:“Your baby might love you for forever and ever, but I might get violent if you do not stop driving me insane with your puppy love.”

When some family members get too excited about their baby’s first moments and literally post “shit” on family chat groups. I wish to say:“Brother, there are private chats and there are group chats. Please reserve your baby’s first poop photos for you and your wife’s private chats.”

When people irritate me with their unsolicited advice on how to dress up. I wish to say: “Well, you can wrap yourself in that bed sheet but please don’t insist on me to trying it! I am so not wearing what you want me to wear.”

When my husband tries to convince me that for once the upcoming family function is going to be exciting. I wish to say: “No. No. No. No. Can I please evaporate right now? I don’t want to be here in this moment. Wake me up when September ends!”

When relatives indirectly give examples and challenge me to cook. I wish to say “Sorry! I can’t cook and now that you have challenged me to compete with the best chef in the family, I have strongly, passionately decided to not try participate in Family’s top chef contest.”

When friends, neighbors, relatives look at my dogs with suspicion. I wish to say: “They are cleaner than you. Yes, they bark. They are not T. rex. If you want me to lock them before you step in my house, see you tomorrow at your house.”

When a lady-in-love posts every single I-am-in-love-with-your culture statement on every possible social networking site and tags everyone in her in-laws family to invite praises. I wish to say: “Darling! You don’t respect a culture just by flaunting your love for it. Ye public hai yeh sab jaanti hai (The public knows it all).”

When people who try hard to manipulate me to do something bizarre like picking up a fight. I wish to say: “I intently heard the crap for 40 minutes. I am still not convinced. Can you try another spin?”

When someone in their early 20s talks like my grandma. I wish to say: “Ah! Are you 24? At your age everyone is a know-it-all. I am bored but I won’t interrupt. Feel good about crossing puberty. You deserve happiness, darling! Peace! Peace!”

When people make the most insulting remarks and then try to get away by saying it was all in good fun. I wish to say:“Congratulations, you successfully pissed me off. I am going to curse you for next 30 days.”

When people complain that I insulted them by not reacting to whatever they said: “Lovely! You are offended. That’s exactly what I intended.”

However, you know, some things are better left unsaid. So, I smile and most of the time, it suffices!

Published @ http://www.womensweb.in/2016/02/11-times-i-wish-i-had-snubbed-people-instead-being-polite-and-holding-back/